Sunday, July 02, 2006
-My beloved Jasmine-
Her name is Jasmine, she is a pomeranian. Apricot in color, I usually call her Minmin, hoping that she can recognize her name easier with a double same pronunciation word.
She came to our home in 1998; she was so small, so lovely, so soft, so fluffy we thought she was a kitten. But thinking that she might bite, none of us three really dare to go near her.
Dad put her in a cage and we only dare to watch her from afar.
I don't have a brilliant memory, that's why I hope to write down something about her. So even in the future, I wouldn't forget her completely.
I remember it was just the 7th day she came to our home, she was suddenly very ill. We sent her to a small clinic, yet the vet said that she might not be able to treat her and referred her to the hospital immediately. It was a heartbreaking moment for me, I know her for just 7 days and I couldn't bear to see her suffer. When my dad drove us to the hospital, she seems to be so tired… Her eyelid seems so heavy; it was my dad who told me that I had to keep her eyes open, so that she doesn't sleep, doesn't go. I did, and we are all so glad that the hospital saved her.
But after spending 8 years with me, she had finally left me. My mum told me Jasmine's yuan fen, predestined relationship with me has ended... I couldn't accept her death, I couldn't... even now when I'm writing this I find it hard to realize that she isn't with me anymore. She wouldn't be there when I reach home from work or school, wouldn't greet me when I enter the door, wouldn't wag her tails for love and affection, wouldn't bark and growl and she's not happy... wouldn't beg me for her favorite snack.
She is so precious to me, so precious I couldn't explain, so precious I couldn't write with my talent. How could anybody understand when I walk into the room and saw her body, it was lifeless, cold yet still her... her fur was still soft, yet so cold. I called out for her, yet she wouldn't respond, cannot respond.
I cried, grasp for breath, desperately trying to believe that she would recover, desperately clasping to that faint of hope that the people around me had given me for the past one week.
I had a bad feeling from the beginning, but I tried so hard to convince myself that she would be fine. Yet she was still taken away...
I once mentioned that I am a free thinker, for her I told my Christian friends to pray for her, told my sister to sing the scriptures to heal her sickness, I started to eat as a vegetarian to accumulate blessing for her... yet she was still taken away.
My mother and brother told me she had left for a better place and maybe reincarnated into a human. Perhaps 10 years from now, I might stumble across a 10 years old beautiful young girl with the name Jasmine.
Yes, did I mention how beautiful she looked? Every time I brought her outside, people would come near, would whisper nice things about her.
"How cute!"
"What breed of dog is that? She looks beautiful"
She was eight years old and still look like a beautiful, innocent puppy...
How can I ever recover from the wound in my heart?
She survived a majored surgery 5 months ago, and every now and then I've been praising her. Praising and proud of how strong she was.
She was never underweight, yet a super picky eater so she was never overweight either...
We used to buy her so many expensive Japanese brand snacks, ranging from bread to cheese stick yet she would just give a sniff and walk away.
Until we came across a not so expensive made in Thailand meat stick, she gave it a tried and love it so much.
She was a proud dog, never happy when she sees another dog, never happy when another dog tries to approach her. She can be moody at times, a typical Gemini. She can wag her tails at you one moment and try to bite when you've done something to irritate her.
I missed her, I really do... I would do anything to bring her back... even though I know it can never be possible.
She growl and tried to threaten you when you've done something irritating, but as time pass you will realize that she will never bite you. Her teeth were so small it wouldn't hurt.
I missed her terribly, and cannot forget when we brought her to the hospital how badly she hopes to come home. I wanted her to come home also... so badly I cried everyday and everywhere... in front of everyone. I was never seen as a weak person, but I have no choice but to show my weakest side.
I prayed, prayed to whatever god up there watching. Hoping that he can help me, help my Jasmine, but nobody did...
The cruelty of life, I never knew that life can be so cruel...
Every other day I would visit her in the hospital, telling her to be strong, telling her that I would bring her home. Why doesn't she trust me? Why doesn't she believe me? I really want to be with her, I really want to bring her home. I would do anything, everything to save her. I did, I did all I could.
Until the day the nurse told me she could pass away any moment, my heart shattered... I felt so helpless, so hopeless... so afraid that she would really die...
And she did pass away, on the 1st of July, 10.15pm.
Maybe it was a relief for her? So that she wouldn't fall sick again, wouldn't be tortured by sickness and illness?
Have she gone to heaven? The paradise where there is no sickness? Or gone for reincarnation... I don't know…
But I really hope to let her know.
Jasmine...
I love you... I really do. No matter where you are, where you go.
May you be blessed by all the good deeds I have done for you.
I really hope you had enjoyed the times with me, with your family.
I know that I can be nasty at times, but forgive me my dear, I do not mean it.
I want to let you know you are missed, missed by your family. I miss you so terribly, cried so hard I thought I would die from the heartache.
Please, please go to a better place...
And promise me you will meet me again someday in the future.
I want to let you know, I didn't give up on you. I did everything I could, but it just wasn't enough. Mum said that our predestined relationship has ended and there is nothing I can do.
Sorry if you visited and saw me being a crybaby, you knew I was never strong... and can never be strong without you...
and I really love you.
Good bye my dear...
go ahead and
dream~
|7/02/2006 03:33:00 PM|
